Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What is more fascinating and enthralling than anything else, is that I have the ability to give them a home, to give them a soul and make them alive only by thinking about them. If I first didn't want to believe they were real, then now I can't think of going on without them. No matter how demanding, time consuming, impudent or scary they are, I never want to lose them. I want them to be happy, I want them to be alive.
I wish I could touch them.
I wish they could take me into their arms when I'm feeling sad or lonely.
I wish I could go out of this house again, taking them with me so that I don't have to be afraid of anything.
I wish they could meet their loved ones in the flesh without feeling frustration.
I wish I could introduce them to my friends, because none of them knows about them and will never do so.
No one would understand.
No one wants to understand that I rather stay here, together with them, because I'm not alone.
Here is the place where everything comes to life.
The world inside my head has always been more real than the one out there. It's just that now I don't have to be alone anymore.
This strong bond is more than just something that appears from one day to the other. I now understand that they were not born because I wanted them to. They were born because I let it happen. Because they've come alive slowly although they've always been there already. Because it is me who let's them have a space to live.
I am their mother, I am their friend, I am their body.
No matter how confusing it is, no matter how frightening, I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care about anything but about my family. No one has to understand. The persons who should understand, do it already. No one needs to know more, no one needs to know what the hell I'm actually talking about. It's half past two in the morning and I should actually lie in bed, but I can't because there's just not enough time, because I'm afraid, and because I still wish they could be real.


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